Snow White and the Seven Weasleys
by Dragon Mistress
Summary: My take on "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves". If you're expecting anything that even *resembles* sanity, you won't find it here! *Featuring the return of Snape's Bubbling Cauldron Of DOOM!*


Disclaimer : I don't own the Harry Potter characters, sadly. I don't own "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves". Thank God. All these characters and the storyline are not mine, except for whenever I changed it to make it more interesting. (And all the Sailor Moon implications are not mine either.)  
  
Notes: Conceived and planned at 1 A.M. the Monday after the Super Bowl. I couldn't sleep (too many deviled eggs), so I was listening to my Cardcaptor Sakura CD and just thinking, when this idea hit me.  
  
Credits: I suppose I should thank the humor columnist Dave Barry. He wrote an article on Snow White which I read on Super Bowl Sunday, and I suppose it stuck in my head. Thanks, Mr. Barry.....  
  
*WARNINGS*: There is minor slash in here! And some crossdressing on Snapey's part. Ha-ha. You've been warned, so don't flame me! All flames will be used by my brother to set Crispin on fire (Fans of 'TimeSplitters 2' unite!).  
  
Character Death Warning: Snape and Draco..... yay  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
~Snow White And The Seven Weasleys~  
  
  
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess who lived in the great castle of Hogwarts. Her name was Hermione, but everyone called her Snow White. This was because whenever she got homework back with only nine out of ten, she'd turn as white as snow and faint. But Snow White really *hated* her nickname, so to make her happy we will just call her Hermione.  
  
Now Hermione was a happy princess until the day her parents were killed by the bumbling court jester, Wormtail. It was quite an unfortunate event, and for a while it looked as though Hermione would never get to be Queen. But then, the new King, Severus Snape (who was very wicked), decided to allow Hermione to stay at Hogwarts with him, and when she was old enough she would become Queen.  
  
Of course, it wasn't as simple as all that.  
  
Now, King Snape had a very large, gilded mirror which hung in his bedchamber. He liked this mirror a lot. The reason he liked it was because he imprisoned two of his biggest enemies inside it, and now they had to serve Snape for the rest of their lives. These two men were Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, and there was nothing Snape liked more than to torture them. Every day he would stand in front of his mirror and ask, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"  
"It sure ain't you, Snapey," Sirius would grumble, only to be punched by Remus. "I mean, you are, I guess."  
  
On the day our story begins, Snape got up and put on his usual black dress. It was a lovely dress. It hid his love handles. Then he stood in front of his mirror. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"  
  
"You, you, you!" Sirius shrieked as he and Remus materialized inside the mirror. "It's ALWAYS you!!! Why must you ask us this EVERY SINGLE DAY?!"  
"Calm down, love," Remus said to Sirius. (Sometimes Snape wished he had put them in different mirrors.) "You're the loveliest, Severus. Now, what's on your mind today?"  
"I've got to figure out what to do with that blasted princess Snow White," Snape said, pacing up and down before his mirror. "I promised her I'd let her be Queen once she was of age. But I don't want to give up the crown! What should I do?"  
  
Remus and Sirius thought. That was the best thing about having an enchanted mirror. You never had to do your own thinking.  
"You could..... conquer a different kingdom," Sirius said.  
"NO!" shouted Snape, seizing the bottle of Windex and spraying it on the mirror.  
"AUUUUUUUGHHHHH!! My *EYES*!" Sirius wailed, running beyond the edge of the frame for the Enchanted Eyewash Station.  
Remus looked at the bottle of Windex in Snape's hand and gulped. "You could...... marry her!" he suggested. Snape raised the bottle of Windex. Quickly, Remus added, "Or you could send someone to take her in the woods and kill her! Then say she got eaten by a bear! Yes, that'll work!"  
  
Knowing full well that his subjects were as dumb as stumps (for the most part), Snape paused to consider this. "Excellent, Lupin," he said to Remus. "You shall not be Windexed today."  
Remus breathed a sigh of relief as Sirius came back into the frame, rubbing his red eyes. "So, what have we decided?"  
"I'm going to have her killed!" Snape sniggered. "Now... for my hunter..... Draco!"  
  
Draco Malfoy, Snape's head huntsman, came into the room on his Nimbus Two-Thousand and One. "Yes, King Snape, sir?" he simpered.  
"No broomstick riding in the castle!" Snape snapped. Draco hastily clambered off his Nimbus. "I want you to do something for me."  
"Anything, your Royal Highness-ness," Draco said eagerly.  
"Take Snow White out into the woods, and kill her! Then return. We will tell the kingdom that she was eaten by a bear. Now go! And bring me her heart as proof!"  
"Yes, my liege," Draco whimpered, backing out the door.  
Snape cackled. "Finally.... and *end* to the girl I so loathe!"  
"Wouldn't it have been easier just to marry her?" Sirius wondered aloud.  
  
Growling, Snape reached for the bottle of Windex......  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Hermione was sitting outside in the garden when Draco approached her. "Snow White? King Snape has asked me to escort you to the woods for .... er..... your Herbology lesson...."  
"Oooh, goody," Hermione said, jumping up. "And don't call me Snow White!"  
"Sorry," Draco apologized, and led her out into the deepest, darkest part of the Forbidden Forest. While Hermione's back was turned, he pulled out a long hunting knife. But the thought of all that blood made him feel ill. He didn't like blood. So instead, he shouted, "Hey! Princess! Look over there!" and pointed at a tree.  
"What is it?" Hermione asked, turning to look. "What? I don't see anything..." As she was looking, Draco Apperated back to Hogwarts.  
"I'm gonna stop looking soon..." Hermione said, then squinted at a leaf. "What, is that it? Draco! You dragged me out here just to look at a *leaf*? Why I ought to...." She turned around, only to find that Draco had Disapperated.  
"I've been had!" Hermione shouted. "*Now* what am I going to do?" For she had not learned to Apperate yet. King Snape wouldn't allow her to learn, saying it was 'too dangerous'.  
"There's only one thing I *can* do," she said helplessly. "I'll just have to keep walking, and hope I come out of the Forbidden Forest soon."  
  
She set off. All day long she walked. And walked. And walked. She didn't see a single living thing. Her feet hurt, and she was starving. But just as it looked like she'd be lost forever, she came upon a clearing in the woods. In the clearing stood a house! And what a house it was!  
  
It was several stories high, and very crooked. It looked as though it had been a stone pigpen at one time, before some rather inept carpenters added the rest on. A flock of brown chickens was scattered across the yard, hunting for worms, and several creatures Hermione recognized as gnomes played hide-and-go-seek in the bushes. A small sign on the rather dilapidated picket fence read, 'The Burrow'.  
  
That wasn't a very promising name, but Hermione was past caring by now. Happily, she ran across the yard and up the steps. She knocked furiously on the door. "Hello? Anyone home? I'm lost! Could you please help me?"   
There was no answer. Hermione knocked again. When still no one answered, she tried the knob. The door wasn't locked, so she went inside.  
It was very obviously a wizarding home on the inside. Three owls were sleeping on a perch just inside the door, and the dishes were busily cleaning themselves in the sink. Curiously, Hermione ventured into the living room, where there were several overstuffed chairs and couches and a warm purple fire.  
She took a seat on the couch, and yawned, only just realizing how tired she was. Perhaps a small nap couldn't hurt....  
She kicked off her shoes and closed her eyes, and only awakened when the house's owners returned home.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to home we go," Fred and George sang, throwing apples at each other.  
Percy frowned seriously. "Come now, you could get hurt, stop fooling around!" he ordered.  
"Take it easy, Perce," Bill chuckled. "They're fine."  
The seven Weasley children were returning home after a long day of hunting for gold in the mines to bring back to Gringotts'. They all lived together in a crooked sort of a house in the middle of the woods. Their parents didn't live with them. The stress of having so many children had finally succeeded in driving them nuts, and they were staying in St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries to recover. Bill, Charlie, and Percy, the eldest children, were in charge of the family.  
  
The seven Weasleys reached their little home just as the sun was going down.   
"It's good to be home," sighed the smallest, Ginny. "I'm tired."  
"Don't complain, at least we have jobs," Percy snapped. "Be glad we-"  
He stopped, looking at the house suspiciously.  
"What is it, H.B.?" Fred asked innocently.  
"Did someone put a flaming paper bag on our doorstep again?" George sniggered.  
Percy shot them a disapproving glare. "The door is open. Who didn't close it? - I'm suspecting *you*, Ron," he snapped.  
"I wasn't the last one out!" Ron snapped back. "That was Charlie!"  
"And I closed it," Charlie said. "But you know how Pigwidgeon is - probably forgot the door was there and flew straight into it, and it opened. Let's go see."  
"Oh, be careful!" Ginny whimpered as Charlie started forward, followed by Bill and Percy. "What if it's a burglar?"  
"It'll be okay," Bill reassured her, taking out his wand. He cautiously entered, and looked around quickly.  
"It doesn't look like anything's missing," Charlie said.  
Percy went down into the basement. "Nothing here," he called.  
"Nothing up here either," said Bill a few minutes later, coming back from searching the upstairs. "They must've left.. or maybe it *was* Pigwidgeon again. Where did Ron get that thing, anyway?"  
"Said someone gave it to him," Charlie replied with a shrug. "I'll call the others."  
While Charlie went outside to get his siblings, Percy and Bill went into the living room.   
"Blimey!" Bill shouted, noticing the figure on the couch.  
"What is it?" Charlie called, running in with Fred, George, Ron, and Ginny at his heels.  
"It's - a girl," Bill said, astounded, looking down at the sleeping figure. She had bushy brown hair and was wearing a long, blue dress that looked worth hundreds of Galleons. It was Hermione. And at that moment, she chose to wake up, and looked up to see seven red-haired, freckled people gaping down at her.  
  
Everyone was speechless for a moment. Then Bill asked, "Who are you?" at the same exact time as Hermione.  
"I'm Princess Hermione," she said meekly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude, but I've been lost in the woods all day, and I was so tired..."  
"How'd you get lost?" Fred asked. "Wandering in the woods isn't a good idea."  
"It was the king!" Hermione wailed. "King Snape! He wants me dead!"  
"That slimy evil git!" Charlie said, shocked. "He just left you in the woods to die?"  
"Yes," sobbed Hermione, breaking down. Ginny put her arms around her and said, "Please don't cry, Princess!"  
"You can stay with us," Bill offered. "If you want. We can't send you home if the King wants to kill you."  
"Are you sure it's not a problem?" Hermione sniffled.  
"Of course not," said Charlie. "You can stay as long as you like."  
  
And so that is what Hermione did. During the day, she stayed home, cleaning and baking and doing all the things the Weasleys didn't have time to do. And when the Weasleys came home from work, she told them stories and played games with them and made them elegant desserts.   
  
And everyone was happy.  
  
Well, almost everyone.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
King Snape sauntered into his bedroom and stood before his mirror. "Black! Lupin!" he barked. "Where are you?!"  
Sirius and Remus slowly emerged from the depths of the mirror. Remus looked nervous, but Sirius was sniggering uncontrollably.  
"What now?" Snape snarled at him.  
"Well, Severus, there seems to be a bit of a - a problem..." Remus said hesitantly. Sirius dissolved into hysterical giggles.  
"A problem?" Snape snarled.  
"It appears that Herm- er, Snow White - is still alive," Remus said.  
"HOW CAN THAT BE?!" Snape shouted. "WHAT HAPPENED?!"  
"Your dumb-ass hunter never killed her!" Sirius choked through his laughter.  
"It's true," Remus admitted. "Draco didn't want to kill her, so he went to the meat market and bought a cow's heart to bring back to you."  
"I knew it was far too large," Snape mused, then snapped, "Well? Where is she?"  
"Um, here," said Remus, tapping his wand to the glass. He and Sirius disappeared and were replaced by a view of a crooked house in the woods. "She's living with the Weasleys."  
  
"I'll take care of *that*," Snape snarled, and swept off to his Potions Lab. "Good thing I'm the Potions Master," he mumbled, carefully concocting a dangerous potion and injecting it into an apple. "There. One bite and she will sleep forever!"  
Then he pulled out a pink, jewel-encrusted pen. He threw it in the air and shouted, "Moon Power! Turn me into - an apple-selling lady!"  
The Luna Pen worked its magic. Snape surveyed himself in the mirror (ignoring Sirius' giggles). "Good thing I stole that pen from that whiny Japanese girl, it sure comes in handy," he said, tucking the apple into his pocket and leaving the room.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Meanwhile, the Weasleys were saying good-bye to Hermione as they prepared to leave for work.  
"Now remember, no strangers," Bill reminded her as they left.  
  
No sooner had they left than there came a knock on the door.  
"Whoever could that be?" Hermione wondered, and went to answer it. It was a sweet-looking old woman, holding out an apple.   
"Good day, my dear," the old woman croaked. "Would you like to buy this apple?"  
"Well -" Hermione hesitated. Bill had warned her dozens of times not to talk to strangers, and *never* to buy anything from them. But this old woman looked trustworthy, and the apple was *so* tempting....  
"All right," Hermione said. "I'll take it!"  
She paid the old woman five Knuts, and waved goodbye as the old woman departed. She looked closely at the shiny apple. "I really should use it in a pie," she said. "But it looks so good -" And she took a bite.  
Snape's potion was instantaneous; as soon as Hermione bit into the apple, she fell into a deep sleep, collapsing on the porch with the apple by her hand.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Heigh ho, heigh ho-" Fred and George started.  
"Shut UP," Percy growled.  
They shut. Percy was in a wretched mood today.  
As the Weasleys came into their clearing, the first thing they saw was Hermione, lying on the porch.  
"Hermione?" Bill called to her, confused. "Are you okay? Hermione?"  
She didn't move or answer. Scared, the Weasleys ran forward.   
Hermione was very still.   
"Is she....?" Ginny trailed off, unable to say it out loud.  
"I think... I think so," Charlie choked.  
"What's that?" George asked, frowning. "An apple? Where'd she -"  
"Don't touch that!" Percy said sharply, and they all turned to look at him. "A bite's been taken out of it. She's been poisoned!"  
The others gasped. "Oh no!" Ginny said unhappily. "Is there anything we can do for her?"  
"No, I don't think so," Percy said sadly.   
  
So the seven Weasleys took Hermione and put her in a glass coffin on an altar (as morbid as it sounds, eurgh); and every day they came to visit her and bring her flowers.  
  
Then one day Ron's best friend Harry came to visit. Harry was a prince, and he wanted to defeat the evil king Snape and return Hogwarts to its former glory. And he wanted to find his godfather, who had mysteriously vanished some years ago.   
  
When Harry arrived at the Burrow, it was to find the seven Weasleys crying beside a glass coffin in the yard. In the coffin lay a pretty girl whom Harry didn't recognize.  
  
"What's wrong?" Harry asked, concerned.  
"Oh, Harry," Ginny sobbed. "It's awful - someone has poisoned our friend Hermione!"  
"It must have been Snape," Ron added. "He's wanted her dead for a long time."  
"Can you cure her, Harry?" Ginny asked.  
"Let me see," Harry said thoughtfully, and pulled out a large book entitled 'My First Book Of Fairy Tales". "Hmm," he said, skimming through it. "Aha! I've got it! To awaken, she has to be kissed by -" he paused dramatically - "her one true love!"  
  
"Great," said Bill sarcastically. "And how do we know who he is?"  
"Well, try kissing her!" Harry said irritably.  
So Harry, Bill, Charlie, Percy, Fred, and George all tried kissing Hermione. They even tried having Ginny kiss Hermione (hey, it's not the fifties anymore), but to no avail.  
"Your turn, Ron," Charlie said to his brother.  
"Me?" squeaked Ron.  
"You're the only one left," Harry pointed out.  
"Shut up, Harry..." Ron grumbled, but quailed under the furious glare everyone gave him. "I mean, why not? What have I got to lose?"  
  
So he leaned forward and kissed Hermione.  
  
Nothing happened. They all sighed and sweatdropped in disappointment.   
"Now what?" Percy asked.  
"What's going on?" Hermione asked them.  
  
Everyone jumped and stared at her.  
"Hermione!" Ginny squealed, hugging her friend. "We were so worried!"  
"How did you wake me up?" Hermione asked.  
"Ron kissed you," George sniggered.  
"Shut up," Ron mumbled, going pink.  
"Ooooo, you're blushing," Fred teased.  
"Shut up," Ron repeated.  
"You did that for me, Ron?" Hermione asked him.  
"Well.... yeah......"  
Hermione jumped out of Ginny's hug and threw herself at Ron. "I love you, Ron!"  
  
Everybody awwwwwwwwwww'ed.  
  
"Well, now that that's taken care of," Harry said. "Will you help me defeat the evil King Snape and find my godfather?"  
"Where's your godfather?" Bill asked. "*Who* is he?"  
"His name is Sirius Black-" (everyone screamed) "-he's not a murderer! And he and his boyfriend, Remus... you know, Professor Lupin-" (everyone screamed again) "- he's not such a bad werewolf! They've been missing, and I think Snape's behind it," Harry finished. "So, will you help me?"  
"Well, I'd rather put up with an escaped convict and a werewolf than Snape," said Bill thoughtfully. "And if you were King, Harry, life would be cool. I'm in."  
"Me too!" echoed all the other Weasleys and Hermione.  
  
So Harry packed them all into the flying Ford Anglia (which he had saved from the forest last week, and suddenly appeared at the Burrow thanks to the beauty of mystical wormholes), and off they went to Hogwarts.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Your Highness-ness!" Draco yelled, running into Snape's bedroom. He stopped, looking at the picture on the wall of two practically naked men sleeping in a canopy bed (it was really Sirius and Remus inside the mirror, but Draco didn't know that), gulped, and jumped in Snape's bed. "Wake up!"  
"What?" Snape snarled from within his cocoon of warm blankets.  
"We're under siege!" Draco cried.  
"What?" Sirius said, waking up in the mirror and fumbling for his trousers, then sticking his left leg in the right trousers leg. "Stupid two-legged pants..."  
Snape jumped up. "Who is it?!"  
"Potter! And the Weasleys! And.... Snow White!"  
"HARRY?!" yelled Sirius happily.  
"POTTER?!" Snape shrieked angrily. "I'll kill him!"   
He dashed out onto his balcony. Directly below him stood Harry, Hermione, and the Weasleys.  
  
"Surrender, Snape!" Harry shouted. "I know you have Sirius and Remus-" (everyone screamed) "-So let them go! And apologize for poisoning Hermione!"  
"Never!" screamed Snape. "Get away from my castle, Potter!" He pressed a huge button labeled 'The Button'. Instantly, a trapdoor opened below, revealing Snape's ultimate weapon - the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM!  
  
"Ha, ha, Potter!" Snape gloated. "I will finish you off now! Prepare to meet... the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM!"  
"Oh no!" shouted Hermione. "Not the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM! Harry, what will we do?!"  
"How should I know?!" Harry wailed as the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM's bubbling potion flowed out of the trapdoor and in their direction.  
"You're the Boy Who Lived!" Hermione shrieked. "*DO* something!"  
"It's too late!" Snape cackled. "No one can save you now!"  
  
"Just a moment there!" came a voice behind him. Snape whirled around to see the seven Weasleys standing there, blocking his way back into the castle.  
"Evil usurpers such as yourself will not be put up with!" Bill shouted.  
"Everyone, transform!" Charlie cried.  
  
The Weasleys raised their wands in the sky and shouted, "WEASLEY... CRYSTAL.... POWER..... MAKE-UP!"  
  
A blinding light engulfed the Weasley children, making Harry, Hermione, Snape, and Draco cover their eyes. When they finally dared to peek, the Weasleys were now wearing short little sailor dresses with spike heels.  
  
"How dare you endanger a young girl's life!" Bill shouted.  
"And imprison the innocent - er, possibly innocent - in a mirror!" Charlie said.  
"And steal Hermione's kingdom!" Percy said.  
"Cut off the world supply of Dungbombs," Fred grumbled.  
"And Stink Pellets!" added George.  
"We will not allow it!" yelled Ron.  
"In the name of all that is magic..." Ginny threatened,  
"We shall... PUNISH YOU!" they finished together.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOO!!" wailed Snape. "No one can stop me! Draco, attack!"  
Instead, Draco jumped over the balcony to escape. He landed in the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM! Oops.  
  
"WEASLEY........ POWER...... ATTACK!" the Weasleys yelled at once, blasting Snape square in the chest. He screamed and fell backwards over the railing, and straight into the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM! Once it absorbed its creator, the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM shuddered, shook, and exploded!  
  
Harry and Hermione ran upstairs to join the Weasleys (who had by then de-transformed) on the balcony. Once they reached Snape's bedroom, a pounding of fists on glass got their attention.  
Harry ran over to the mirror, where Sirius and Remus were peering hopefully out at them. "Sirius! Remus! You've been in Snape's mirror this whole time?!"  
"Yes, for God's sake let us out!" they wailed.  
"I'll handle it," Percy said importantly. "Then it's off to Azkaban for both of them!"  
"NO!" everyone else overruled him.  
Percy sweatdropped, and instead Bill preformed the charm that sent Sirius and Remus flying from the mirror and onto the floor.  
"Oof!" Sirius grumbled, landing on the floor with Remus on top of him. "It's about time." He looked up at Bill. "Gee, thanks. Moony and I would still be stuck without you."  
"Couldn't agree more, Padfoot. Thank you, Bill," said Remus.  
Fred and George's eyes widened, but before they could say a word, Harry brought something up.  
"Er - I don't mean to worry anyone but.... who is going to rule the kingdom? Would you like to do it, Hermione?"  
"No thank you," Hermione said, hugging Ron. "You can rule it, Harry. I'm just going to enjoy being with my true love...."  
  
Everybody awwwwwwww'ed.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
So after that, life was good.   
  
Harry became King, and married Ginny. Hermione and Ron lived at the castle with them, and they got married as well. Sirius and Remus decided to stay in their own little house (which was now quite dusty and had a squirrel's nest in the chimney), but they visited Harry very often.   
The rest of the Weasleys lived in the Burrow, but they were frequents guests to the Hogwarts as well. And Fred and George spent countless hours trailing after Sirius and Remus, astounded to learn that Harry's godparents (no, Remus is *not* the godmother, just the godfather's boyfriend) were the infamous Moony and Padfoot.  
  
And so we shall end our story with the same old cliche:  
  
AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.  
  
Until Fred and George stole a golden harp from a half-giant who lived in the clouds......  
  
But that's another story......  
  
THE END!  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
